Ask Mr. Manners: A Three-Year-Old Answers Questions on Preschool Etiquette

Dear Mr. Manners,

How should one respond to a compliment?

Gentle Reader:

If you are under the age of one, the proper response is a high-pitched squawk similar to that of a pterodactyl. From age one to three, it is common courtesy to echo the compliment back to the speaker, for example “I like your shirt, too” or “I’m proud of you for not spitting, too.”

Dear Mr. Manners,

What is the proper way to inform my parents, in the middle of the night, that my diaper is dirty?

Gentle Reader,

I recommend singing a song about poop. My personal favorite goes “poopy, poopy, poopy, poopy …” to the tune of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” The louder you sing this, the quicker your parents will respond. Good luck!

Dear Mr. Manners,

Is it polite to throw up at the dinner table?

Gentle Reader,

Most certainly so. I have it on good authority that if one has made the mistake of stuffing too much hot dog roll into one’s mouth and then pouring a half cup of chocolate milk in with it, the best thing to do is to throw up right on one’s Bob the Builder plate. If desired, you can precede this by sticking out your tummy as far as possible and saying “I’m fat!”.

Dear Mr. Manners,

What is the proper attire for guests at a fourth birthday party?

Gentle Reader,

If the invitation has not specified black or white tie, the safest route is probably to wear a firefighter’s helmet or cowboy hat, with pajamas. If your companions (usually your mother) suggest this is inappropriate, I urge you to insist that all the other kids will be similarly attired. This should cause enough confusion to allow at least some kind of hat to accompany you in the car ride to the party, if no further.

Dear Mr. Manners,

Is there anything a person should say after passing gas in a public place?

Gentle Reader,

The most polite thing is to announce in a clear voice, “I tooted!” When one’s mother, father, or sibling passes gas, it is correct to say “she (or he) tooted.” Your goal is to make sure everyone knows who was responsible for the sound and/or scent.

Dear Mr. Manners,

Could you explain how to use “please” and “thank you”? I find it all very confusing.

Gentle Reader,

It’s really quite simple. “Please” goes with “yes,” and “thank you” goes with “no.” Here are some examples:

“Millicent, I’m going to count to three, and you better be upstairs by the time I finish.”

“No, thank you.”

“Jeremy, did you put all of mommy’s shoes in the toilet?”

“Yes, please.”